Category Archives: Relationships

June 6, 2012 · 16:47

Body Image: Learning To Love You

Posted by: Stacey Maka

As human beings it’s only normally to have our own insecurities – since being exposed everyday to images of perfectly air-brushed models and celebrities can be discouraging. I want to put out my own thoughts and experiences out there for I have always been called “chubby” or “fat” growing up. I always got my cheeks pinched til they turned red (which still brings back bad memories if anyone attempts to do that now) and teased for being a bit heavier than most kids. It always confused me because my mom always cooked for me. I ate the same way my family did, and I did almost the same activities as them, yet they were all so much more slimmer than I was.

It wasn’t until high school when I started to lose some weight. I joined the cheerleading team, but I honestly slacked off when it came to our workout routines at practice. In my late freshman year to my sophomore year, I was a size 6 which is the smallest I’ve ever been. But it wasn’t just joining a sports team that made me lose weight. As a teenager, I usually skipped breakfast because eating in the morning made me feel sick for some reason. And at lunch time, sometimes I didn’t even eat lunch and just waited until I got home from school to eat. I really didn’t do it on purpose though. I spent most of my lunch breaks circling around the entire school with my friends, chatting, and sipping on only a juice box. I was getting exercise without realizing it, but at the same time I wasn’t healthy since I wasn’t eating.

Once I graduated and entered college I started to gain some weight again. I got teased here and there so I tried out many attempts to lose it. I went on all the diets you can think of which didn’t last more than 3 weeks. I also went on a paid diet plan program, and even became a vegetarian for 2 years to lose weight (but I gave in to a hamburger that tempted me one day). My college years were probably the hardest I’ve been on my body image though. I was constantly being reminded that my body wasn’t up to par with the other girls. Also the fact that I’m Asian put pressure on me since Asians are “suppose to be” super thin and slender.  I’ve been told in the past that if I just lost 10 pounds or so I would be more “dateable”. Listen, if this ever happens to you, don’t even bother with what this person has to say. Just block it out entirely. People with comments like that aren’t even worth your time.

I can honestly say I didn’t think my weight was that big of an issue. But when the people around me pointed it out, I started to see it as an issue. I probably wouldn’t have went on crazy diets if people didn’t grab my belly fat or if the people around me didn’t think they themselves needed to lose weight either. When your friends think there is something wrong with the way they look (but they look perfectly fine!), you start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you too. But you need to figure out what is right for you based on how you feel about yourself, not what your friend thinks of themselves. I try my best to put those comments behind me and just continue on being my happy and confident self no matter what I hear. I’m telling you now: being slimmer is not the answer to getting you more men/women flocking your way.  It is your confidence and the way you carry yourself that attracts them. And if that’s your only main reason to losing weight, you need to revaluate. Sure, being slimmer can score you more attention, but who really wants to be with someone who only likes them based on their appearance? At my heaviest weight (150lbs at 5’3), I still went out, had fun, flirted, and even got a boyfriend. I wasn’t totally pleased with that weight, but I didn’t let it stop me from living my life the way I wanted to live it. My weight had nothing to do with it and I didn’t make it a big deal either. If you don’t love yourself first, how will others love you back? And most of the time what you think are imperfections are what others think are interesting or sexy about you.

There is nothing wrong with self-improvements when you aren’t happy with something, I’m totally for it. But I believe we forget to love ourselves first before anything. Sure, we can get as sexy fit as we want to, but it only masks our inner issues that we have with ourselves. I believe it should start with us. Don’t let the things you don’t like about yourself rule your life. They aren’t flaws – but are what give you character and make you stand out from others. Taking those negatives and changing them into positives will give you a whole new perspective. If others see how much pride you take in who you are, they will notice how wonderful you are too. If we are happier, have a positive attitude, learn to appreciate what we have over what we don’t, and just be one with ourselves, we will naturally exude beauty, confidence, and health.

As I’m getting older, I decided I want to become healthier for my own future benefits. Only 2 weeks ago I started to exercise and really watch my diet. I not only want to look good on the outside but I want to feel amazing on the inside. I already notice improvements in my thinking and my stamina. I feel less sluggish, depressed, and I’m just feeling more positive about everything, even though I’m going through difficult life changes. I cannot let what others think corrupt how I feel about myself, nor should you. What matters most is what you think about yourself. I love myself, but sometimes I forget what I truly need for my own happiness. We hate to admit it but others or even our loved ones influence our thoughts, and if they have doubts we have them too. If it’s something that is really affecting your thinking or life, it is something you should address to their attention. They could be saying it without knowing how it hurts you. But overall, when it comes down to it – if you want to change something, do it for yourself, not because someone told you that you should. If it makes YOU happy, that’s what counts. And most importantly, just love every inch of you while you’re at it.

Mirror image via fat2fitradio.com, tummy heart image via healing.about.com, self hug image via epicself.com.

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May 28, 2012 · 18:47

Career: Making A Change

Posted by: Stacey Maka

It’s a horrible feeling when you find out  what you studied in school or once wanted to do wasn’t what you thought it would be like once you entered the workplace.  So now what? Should you make a change or settle? I never thought I’d be in a position where I wasn’t sure of myself and the path I wanted to take. I’ve always been a creative person and til this day I torment myself with regrets of not just going with my gut feeling and following my true dreams. These unsure feelings of mine started 2 years ago. I worked with such a lovely company. I loved my co-workers to death, and the environment was always enjoyable, so I couldn’t understand what was wrong or missing. There was this empty gap that haunted me every day. I took the big step of quitting my job to figure out what I really needed and wanted to do with my life. In that time, I got a chance to be my creative self again. It felt so natural, like I was in my zone. But as money started to dissolve I had to look for work again. Of course friends and family told me to just stick with what I studied, so I went back to the same field of work. I also told myself, “I’ll just give it a try again. Maybe things changed and I’ll like it better this time around”. How very wrong I was. Waking up and going into work every single morning was such a burden. It was only this year I discovered what I truly needed—a career change. It’s a lot scarier than most anticipate so I can see why a lot of people don’t actually go through with it. But I can’t help let my heart overrule logic. No one can stop me, not even myself. Being the somewhat stubborn person that I am, it is my mission to find and love what I want to be doing in life. If you’re going through a career change too and feel what I’m feeling, here are some pointers:

Figure out what you’re good at or enjoy doing. A lot of times those hobbies of yours turn out to be great career choices. What I’ve noticed are the most successful people are the ones who started off with a hobby, and wonderful things just happened for them. I believe it is healthy to nurture the things you’re good at doing. This is why when parents see their kids have a talent in something they try to encourage it to better their kids skills. Sure, you can use many famous people as an example, but that’s the one percent. Although, I happen to know people I grew up who are still doing what they have loved since they were 5 years old. Some have gone off to become singers, dancers, web designers, and even a professional pianist/keyboardist. Using the people around you instead of what you see in the media is a bigger inspiration in my opinion. If they could do, so can you.

Get educated. Research away! You’re going to have to do some serious homework with this one. If you have a passion for something, figure out the steps to get there. If you think going back to school, taking a course, interning or volunteering at a company is going to better yourself, then by all means go for it. You have all to gain with the experience you will be getting. Having a good knowledge and understanding of what you’re getting into will help you in your career change. Find someone in the industry you’re interested in and get to talking with them. Weigh out the pros and cons to decide whether there’s a possibility that it’s the right career for you.

Don’t wait for something to come to you. Don’t we all wish someone would just notice our talents and hand over our dream job? The worst thing you can do for yourself is to dream without taking any action. The world just doesn’t work that way. We have to go out there ourselves and fight for what we want. You are going to experience rejection multiple times but it’s actually better than not giving enough exposure for yourself.

Find your support group. This is super crucial to have on many obvious levels. Good supporters applaud what you do and wish you all the best. Look to close friends, family, or better yet, others you know who are going though the same thing as you. You shouldn’t have to hear constant negative feedback when you are trying and doing your best. If you are the supporter reading this, here is some advice: Never tell them, “You’re not trying hard enough” when they really are putting in their best efforts. It may seem like a good way to push someone but it’s not showing them any consideration. They came to you out of everyone else they could have talked to because they trust you. They’re already going through a lot so the best thing you can do for this person that reached out to you is to help or give some advice and show them that you’re there for them. Finding the right support will make this difficult journey a little bit easier knowing your loved ones are behind you.

Network. Show people what you’re doing and introduce yourself in the title of your new profession. Let everyone know who you are and what you do. They might know someone who knows somebody that knows somebody, etc. Speaking from experience, I do suggest carrying a pen and your business cards around with you. It’s pretty embarrassing struggling to find a pen while grabbing a scrunched up paper from your bag to write on. They don’t have to be fancy cards either. Customizing and printing ones out at home are just as effective.

Don’t get discouraged. You’re going to have competition no matter what. Even the people you are competing with have competitors. Just keep trying and don’t give up. In the past, I’ve been lucky enough to get call backs and good feedback at interviews, but this time around I’ve never experienced so much rejection. It’s most likely because my previous career was not as competitive as the one I’m trying to break into. The feeling of applying to hundreds of jobs and not hearing back is such a letdown. It makes you question yourself as a human being. It sucks, but in times like this you need to keep your head up and continue to have faith in yourself. Never sell yourself short. Be the absolute best you can be and people will notice how you shine. If you keep going and show your dedication, things are eventually going to come your way. Leading into my next point…

Have patience. I know, I know—I hate this part too. This is pretty much what I’m going through right now. The days are feeling like months and the waiting game can be quite irritating. “Why haven’t they called or emailed me back yet?! How long will I have to wait??” It could take weeks (if you’re lucky), months, even years to achieve something we want. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Don’t have your mind set on just one company.  I admit I do this sometimes and end up in disappointment when they aren’t hiring at the moment or I just never hear back from them. Keep looking and you’ll find something just as good.

It takes a lot of courage to drop everything and start over again. It is a big headache applying to jobs and internships and not hearing any response back, but don’t give up. I know I haven’t. I’ve been on a constant rollercoaster already but I believe I’m making it closer to the top with each effort. There’s going to be a lot of hard times and frustrations from waiting, but keep a positive lookout on your situation. You are trying to improve who you are and you care enough about your future to make necessary changes. And know in the end it’s going to be okay.

Image via givetwoweeksnotice.com.

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May 20, 2012 · 11:05

Going The Distance: The Truth About Long-Distance Relationships

Posted by: Stacey Maka

I’ve recently watched the romantically dramatic film, Like Crazy. I thought it was going to be your typical “love is found in the end” kind of film, but I was pleased with its more realistic approach to a long-distance relationship. It showcased (without sugar-coating the good times and the bad times) a relationship’s dedication but also infidelity, and when love hits you hard but also when it fades away. This subject is close to my heart considering my experience in a long-distance relationship in the past. The duration of my relationship was no longer than 3 years. I’m not saying they never work out since there are some, and I emphasize SOME success stories. Some people just work it out well together while the majority of us just can’t keep up. When I talk about long-distance I’m not talking about the next town over. More like, in two different continents with big time zone differences. My midnight was their noon time and when daylight savings came around it made things even more complicated than they already were. Here are some pointers I’d like to share from my own experiences, observations, and mistakes. If you are or have ever been in a LDR, maybe you feel or have felt similar sentiments:

Never have expectations. My mistake when flying 13 hours to meet up with my love interest at the time was “this was it”. We are going to work this out and be together. We all probably have made this mistake, when we find something different and out of our zone. It excites us and we think this is our final destination in life because it’s so out there and not many people get this experience. It’s okay to dream a little dream but remember to keep your feet on the ground as well. I get the excitement of having a rare moment but with these types of relationships, you need to think ahead especially if you start to develop strong feelings for one another. I had those days where I felt unstoppable like the world was going my way, but I was actually dreaming more than living. My long-distance relationship took over my mind. I constantly daydreamed and checked my phone for any new messages every free second I got. It’s not easy to meet up any time. In fact, it took me months to save up money for my trip. Even though every moment spent together was amazing, experiencing an entire new world was still emotionally stressful, especially as my departure day to go back home was looming. It was really exhilarating but sad to see how he lived, stepping into his fast paced life, all the people surrounded by him, plus the rising success in his career.Although, it was very overwhelming. So what was next? In the end we just didn’t have mutual feelings and ended our chapter together once I got home. It was a very heartbreaking time and I didn’t see it coming since I had all these plans planted into my mind. Just know what you’re getting into and keep a level head.

Eventually one has to give up their life for the other. Like they say, ‘something’s gotta give’. I’ve had plenty of times where one of us stayed up til six in the morning just so we can “be together” and feel like crap at work after getting only 2-3 hours of sleep. You both might already have stable jobs, and all your family and friends are always hard to leave behind. If it’s easy to pick up and go, good for you, but the norm is most people already have their life together and the thought of starting a new one especially for love can honestly be scary. There are always the positives and negatives of ‘what if?’ that floats around in our heads. Also, if your significant other is from a country where you know limited to nothing about the culture or language, it’s going to be ten times harder getting used to the lifestyle, making your own friends, learning a new language, and finding a new job. It’s not an easy process to get through. I can understand those who fight for love since I am one. You want to prove it to yourself that you can do it—be with this one person and prove the doubters wrong. In some, and maybe most cases, at least one person is fine with making the big jump into an entire new life. After all, it is fascinating, and when you’re in love you’ll do anything for that person. But just a warning, reality does hit. If the person is worth it, you will have no regrets, but it still does take a toll on you mentally. Just don’t expect smooth sailing.

Interaction is key in a relationship. You can conveniently video call all you want and it may seem to work well at first, but it just isn’t the same as physically being together to go out and share experiences outside your homes. Not being able to feel your significant other’s touch is really hard since you’re not able to express your affections for one another and feel it in that sense.

It’s easier to have slip-ups when you’re so far apart. You might actually be the loyal type, but is your partner? You really wouldn’t know and there are a lot of temptations. You are not the only amazing and attractive person out there. From time to time we see eye-catching people in passing, compelling us to do a double take–it’s just human nature. Normally we don’t act on these feelings when we are with someone in a non-LDR since we get time to spend together, instead of constantly missing one another. We are less likely to make a mistake by trying to temporarily fill this void out of loneliness. Our boyfriend/girlfriend still has us under a spell and is still number one to us. In a LDR, times do get lonely and you or your partner might wander off looking to fulfil those needs. It’s hard for me to believe anyone who says they’ve never had a slip-up while in a LDR.  It’s so easy to lie to one another when you don’t see each other often and don’t know each other’s body language well enough. You’re not there to keep eachother in line and all you have to go on is hope and trust. Sometimes you’ve worked so hard to keep it together that you don’t want to give up so easily.

Not to put down LDRs, because there are those that work out if both parties are dedicated and give one hundred percent effort. For an LDR to work, it has to be balanced just like any relationship in general. It is a lot harder, but definitely interesting. With my long-distance relationship, we’d sms/email each other pictures and short videos of things we saw and thought were funny or interesting throughout the day, to make it feel as though the distance wasn’t as big between us. It takes a little creativity and a ton of effort, but when it’s worth it, it’s worth it. But you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Image via travelettes.net.

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April 24, 2012 · 11:13

Things No One Tells You About Growing Up

Posted by: Stacey Maka

In school we learn how to multiply, about Christopher Columbus’ discoveries, how the periodic table works, how to make a gargoyle with paper mache, etc. But we were rarely taught about real life situations or about what to expect once you enter into adulthood. These are just some of my observations and realizations so far that I never heard as a student.

Boy Band Boys Don’t Exist

It’s hard not to be charmed by a guy who serenades you with lyrics like “I’ll never break your heart, I’ll never make you cry” (-Backstreet Boys). In my 90s generation, boy bands such as *Nsync and 98 Degrees were our untouchable boyfriends and practically our rated PG-13 escorts. They told us what we wanted to hear to made us feel good, sometimes gave us a little shirtless show, then afterwards took our money, emotions, and ran. I now like the whole concept of boy bands being THE ultimate dream boys in our lives as young girls (or guys). They did help us get a head start into finding what we liked but at the same time left us all confused once we got out into the real world of dating. The “perfect” guy with all the right things to say doesn’t naturally exist (known as “smooth talkers” but every smart girl knows to not be fooled). But the right guy for you doesn’t have to say swavey things to impress and steal your heart away. Actions do speak louder than words. So a warning to the new generation out there and with the return of the boy bands such as One Direction; don’t be fooled by their swanky lyrics and cuteness for they’re just like every other young boy out there, naive hormonal crazed beasts!

Save! Save! SAVE!

Anything is possible: You move out, pay for college/university, start your own business, buy a car, buy a house, get married, or start a family. Even though you’re not even close to any of those it doesn’t hurt to just save any money you make now. I think not saving earlier is one of our biggest regrets. It’s fine to spurge and reward yourself once in awhile with more of your wants than needs, but always remember to put away that money too. We don’t think it’s important when we’re younger to save much because when we get our first job we’re excited about just even having our own money and being able to buy anything without parental permission that we often take it far and forget to save. If only they kept reinforcing this into our heads growing up, it could have changed a lot of lives. Saving accounts can be quite amazing. If you just leave it alone and let your money grow, then next time you check up on it you’re in for a treat.

Your Social Life And Status Isn’t Everything

“Blame the media” is a cliché but movies and television do put these ideas in our heads of what we should look like, be like, and have in our lives. We all have tried it at some point as a teen to fit in with a clique we thought was cool. And if you passed all tests and got accepted as one of them sometimes it was hard to decide if you really wanted to stay or leave. There were those who just continued to be what they’re supposed to be even if they weren’t happy, but there were also those who broke away and stuck to their gut with being their unique selves. You may lose friends but if they can’t accept you for who you really are then they weren’t truly your friends to begin with. The clique we belonged to was so important and continues to be for teenagers till this day. But even if you were one of the popular kids in high school it was all forgotten once you graduated. In the working world no one cares about who you were back then, who your friends were, how you dressed or what music you listened to. Growing out of that confusing time made us realize that being popular wasn’t the world.  It is what we make of ourselves that counts. If I could go back in time and talk to 16 year old me I would tell her to stop worrying about not fitting in…and do your homework.

Being In Your 20s Are The Most Difficult Times

Having a quarter-life crisis is the new mid-life crisis. Being in your 20s is that awkward puberty stage all over again but without the training bras and discovering hair growing in places they never did before. It’s all about finding your place in life. You’re not a kid anymore, but you’re not a full grown adult either so with that being said you still make a ton of stupid *** decisions. You’re still figuring out who you are, who your friends are, where your relationship is going, and questioning if what you’re doing now is the right career decision for you or if you need to go back to school again. And you do all of this aggressive thinking while working at a crappy job that pays peanuts. Overall it’s just a horrible time as a young adult. And it’s hard to not be discouraged when you see someone around your age find their luck and fortune in a career they enjoy. Don’t feel as if you’re the only one out there who hasn’t figured it out and got it all together because those lucky ones who do are rare (and if they didn’t have rich parents to support them then they worked hard and earned it so you can too!).  We definitely have those days where everything seems impossible, but the best thing you can do is use those successful people for inspiration and keep a positive outlook that things will turn out, because they will if you believe they will.

 

*Nsync image via sodahead.com, Abraham Lincoln bill image via freemoneyformulax.com, Clueless image via merigoesround.com, and 13 Going On 30 image via filmfresh.com.

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April 9, 2012 · 22:31

Ditching a Toxic Friendship

Posted by: Stacey Maka

Most of us have found and moulded our friendships that we still have to this day from elementary school and high school. And as life goes on, everyone graduates/gets jobs, and eventually some of you lose touch with each other. However, there are the few that you at least try to see regularly or on the little free time you have. With these friends that you do continue to grow with sometimes things change along the way too, and they often do. Into your 20s you are developing as a young adult figuring out your needs and wants constantly. There are a few friends I needed a break from or in some cases just had to drop. It is a weird feeling knowing this friend you once couldn’t get enough of and shared so many experiences with just isn’t doing it for you anymore. We use this excuse of, “but I’ve known them forever,” to try to convince ourselves this is why we should keep them in our lives. We keep this debate and just stick it out, but the fact is we are making it worse on ourselves, and it’s also unfair to your friend that you feel this way about. They might think everything is ok but behind their back you’re complaining about them to others. So first things first, talk to your friend and if that doesn’t help and things just aren’t going to work out…you need to dump them. I mean with any type of dumping, they are no pretty results (literally).

It took me a long time to decide to dump a friend or not. I was a “but I’ve known them forever” person. But just weighting out the pros and cons helped clear my mind. How does she benefit in my life? What has she done for me recently? Does she make me feel great about myself? Why does she annoy me so much now? What changed…or didn’t? I also kept in mind that I might lose more than one friend from this since we shared the same friends. Yea I know it sounds pretty shallow but it’s the cold hard truth. We’re scared of not belonging somewhere or having no one and that’s perfectly normally. But if you choose to keep putting up with it when you know it’s not good you’re just lying to yourself. I did have to give up a lot after my friend break-up, but I felt as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that I could move on. The friendship was always on and off, and it was a continuous feeling of stress having to look out for her and giving advice she rarely or never took. I was emotionally drained. If you feel stress from a friendship you need to get the hell out. But in seriousness even if I was the one who broke it off it still affected me emotionally. I did just loose a friend that I thought would be there till the day I die…or she dies (lol). Just tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with change. What kind of person ever wants to be in an unhealthy relationship anyways? If you have an instinct that something doesn’t feel right you should listen and do something about it. These are some warning signs that shouldn’t be ignored: A good friend would never…

  • Give you backhanded compliments. Friendships should be about respect and support for one another. A true friend would never make you feel as if you’re not good enough.
  • Not look out for your best interest. If they don’t care what you do and let you do something stupid when they know it’s stupid themselves, they’re in it for the drama and to see you go down. Dump them immediately.
  • Keep conversations one-sided. I think we’ve all encountered the “me show” type of friends who rarely ask questions about you and go on yapping about themselves. You know more about them than they do know about you.
  • Backstab. This is a big one. Trust is a huge issue, so if you’re friend is talking behind your back they sure as hell don’t respect you.

I know, it’s easier said than done. If you’re unsure, you can gradually create a space between you both. And if your friend notices then go on to explain how you feel. Hey, it might actually work out but if not and they don’t come to acknowledge your feelings then it’s another sign you need to evaluate again or even end your friendship. But to end things on a “good term” (*wink*), the truth is you grow up and realize that this person just isn’t a part of this stage in your life anymore. When it comes down to it genuine friends will bring out the best in you.

 

Image via fanpop.com

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